Joy Bonds! Have you ever heard this term before? Most fathers have not. Let me help you understand it by giving you a scenario. Have you ever been with a group of women when a mother brings in her young child. What usually happens. All the women want to hold them and the men act […]
Joy Bonds! Have you ever heard this term before? Most fathers have not. Let me help you understand it by giving you a scenario. Have you ever been with a group of women when a mother brings in her young child. What usually happens. All the women want to hold them and the men act like they don’t care. What the women know instinctively is that they are trying to connect with the child and they do that through their words and touch. They know when they’ve made that connection because the child responds with it’s eyes and facial expression. Joy bonds is a term used when someone is glad to see you and they reflect it in their eyes and facial expression, usually a smile. Fathers, we need to realize the different stages of our child’s life emotionally if we want to raise them to be a mature person. All of us have this same need to develop joy bonds with those around us and this is the first learning stage. A child will go from pain, usually demonstrated by crying, to joy when their pain is addressed and met. This happens over and over again through the course of every day. A child needs to have joy bonds with both of their parents during this stage from birth through around three. If they don’t learn to develop their joy bonds it will hinder them as they continue to mature. Fathers need to understand that physical growth and emotional maturity are two different aspects of their growing up journey. We can not stop a child from growing and physically maturing, but we can hurt them and stunt their emotional grow by how we handle them from birth on. I didn’t understand this when my children were young and growing and I did a lot of things that had a negative impact on their lives. But I read a book “The Stages of a Man’s Life” by E.James Wilder that really opened up my eyes. I hope this information is helpful to you and that you’ll take the time to connect with you child through your smile until they respond with one of their own.
I often thought about this question and have asked many others about what their number one desire was. What I’ve come up with is unconditional love.
I often thought about this question and have asked many others about what their number one desire was. What I’ve come up with is unconditional love. When talking to a young father recently who got to see his son for the first time I was reminded of how important that unconditional love is to a person and especially to a man. This young man never knew his father and never really had a good father figure in his life. He grew up on the streets without parental oversight and was very hard. He ended up getting himself into trouble with the authorities and having to serve some time. His son was born without him being able to see it and it wasn’t until a month later that he was able to hold his son for the first time. I asked him how that felt and his face lit up with joy and he said “I didn’t want to let him go. You know I never knew my father and all I ever wanted was to feel his love. Holding my son made me realize that I need to change so I can be there for him and let him know how much I love him.”
It was a very powerful moment to me to realize how important that unconditional love was to this young man who never knew what it was like to have a father in his life. This young man has a hard and difficult journey ahead of him and hopefully he will find a good father figure to help him along the way. I never had it that hard, but I could relate to wanting to know that my father loved me unconditionally. I knew it with my mind, but I didn’t with my heart and it hurt. It made me try to earn his love or approval and that never seemed to make a difference.
When it came time for me to love my own children I followed the same example that I knew. Then one day I realized that my children were turning out just like I had. It shook me and made me want to change. I can tell you that change is never easy when you have to go back to examine where you learned how to father your children. When you see how your words and action were hurtful instead of nurturing. You thought you were helping them by being hard on them so they would be strong and you would be proud of how they performed in public. You were more concerned with what others thought then how your child felt. Although it’s hard to admit you’ve done things that were wrong and hurtful, it’s where you need to start.
A father has so much power in a child’s life whether he understands it or not. That child wants his love and approval more than anything else you have. It doesn’t mean that you let them do whatever they want just to make them happy. It does mean that you watch over them with a loving eye and concern for what they are doing with their lives and are not afraid to step in to correct wrong behavior. We need to be involved in their lives and let them see how our heart and how we deal with different issues in life as they come up. We have to be willing to admit our mistakes and learn how to forgive and be forgiven. Our children need to see that their father cares and loves them unconditionally. What would you say is the number one desire that you wanted from your dad?
